Yukapalooza
DragonFest
by Bob Iozzia
One pre-pandemic
afternoon, I frequented my fifth-favorite antique
shop, Mrs. Pickwick’s Papers & Whatnot,
which specializes in old documents, maps and
whatnot. I was blown away to discover, mixed in
with a pile of Bondage and Kink Today magazines,
a manuscript of jokes from a 1600s English comedy
festival, Yukapalooza DragonFest.
What follows are some of the still-legible jokes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clark
of Kent:
Young Dragon King Thag of Mung, recently a
bridegroom for the first time and wanting to
perpetuate "that new bride smell,"
legalized polygamy. When Alice, his starter wife
complained, she was shackled to a lyre and
ordered to play romantic melodies during the King’s
honeymoon with wife # 2. This grunge act, soon to
be copied by other kings in other kingdoms, came
to be known as an Alice in Chains.
Bruce of Bath:
A dandy and a dragon walk into a roadside inn.
“Pardon me, innkeeper,” says the dandy,
“do you serve peasants?”
“Of course, I do, sir,” says the
innkeeper.
“Splendid,” says the dandy. “I’ll
have a Mead Lite—half flax, half calf, and
my dragon will have a peasant.”
Kenneth of Kingsmead:
What do you get if you crossbreed a dragon with a
cow? I don’t know but be careful when you
pull on its udders.
William the Leper:
Did you hear about the constipated young dragon
who cried “wolf?” No one believed him
because he was known to be full of shit.
Ned of North West Southhamptonshire
Village East
A dragon, God, and Jonah were playing cards.
Jonah asks the dragon, “Got any twos?”
The dragon says, “Go fish.” Just as
Jonah is about to draw a card, God pushes his
hand away and says, “No, seriously—go
fish.”
Clive of Cambridge:
A dragon, taking a casual walk through the
countryside, happens upon a beggar. The beggar
says to the dragon, “Good day, friend. I
haven’t had a bite in a fortnight.”
The dragon pauses in thought before saying to the
beggar, “See here, my good man, everyone
within earshot of my blazing growl expects me to
bite you … or some clichéd rot like that.
But I am nobody’s puppet, so my inclination
is to share my berries and nuts with you and then
be on my way.
“On the other hand, I am a creature of habit
who occasionally succumbs to peer pressure and is
starving for some meat. Sorry.”
And so, the dragon reverted to kind and devoured
the beggar in only one bite.
Niles of Nettleton:
A traveling potions monger comes upon a sorcerer’s
hovel in the forest. There he encounters an old
wizard, relaxing on a rocking toadstool whilst
petting a contented-looking baby dragon.
“Good day and the Lord’s blessings to
you,” the monger says.
As he tentatively extends an arm to pet the baby
beast’s head, the monger asks the wizard,
“Does your dragon bite?”
“No,” the old wizard answers.
Semi-armed with shaky confidence, the monger
inches his arm closer to the dragon pup. And with
the ferocity of a nymphomaniacal whore at a
bacchanalian bachelor party, the dragon bites off
the monger’s arm up to its elbow.
The monger screams out in hemorrhaging pain,
“I thought you said your dragon doesn’t
bite!”
“He doesn’t,” the wizard replied.
“This isn’t my dragon.”
~~~~~BADOOMPBOOMP~~~~~
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