The Seven
Plagues
by Albert Russo
In less time than you eat
your meal, Goddess turned the Nile into a river
of blood, let millions of frogs and toads - yuk
yuk, the ladder specially! - invade the
land, gnats infest everything in every single
Egyptian’s house, attack their beds and even
their hair - yeah you can die from tickling. I
wonder how better it is than dying laughing. As
if all these punishments weren’t enough, and
since Fairho was still not bending to Mo’s
pleas, Goddess added new plagues. She sent so
many furious furry flies all over Egypt that the
people couldn’t see straight anymore. The
flies covered every surface, their faces, their
bodies, their food, their behinds when they had
to do number two. Then all the animals and
livestock died of mad goat, mad cow and also mad
camel disease.
Now, you would think that
after all these terrible things happening to his
subjects and to Himself, FairHo would have
understood Goddess’ warning. Shuks, He was
so pig- and bullheaded that even with gnats in
His fair, up and down-under, with the flies and
mosquitos buzzing around His head and pricking
His delicately perfumed skin, even His
whatchamacallit, He still growled a faint,
dribbling Nooo.
It didn’t end here,
for every Egyptian, including their king, had
their whole skin swollen with boils and pus so
ugly, itchy and stinking that they looked like
they were eaten up by termites with rabies - yeah,
not only dogs have that sickness, so I claim.
While all this was going on,
Goddess spared the Hebrews, which made their
oppressors seethe with rage, while they were
suffering something too awful. A formidable storm
then broke out, sending hailstones the size of
coconuts all over the country, smashing the poor
people’s huts to a pulp, and even destroying
palaces, killing thousands. Millions of locusts
nibbled on every leaf, fruit and vegetable the
land contained, razing everything that grew out
of the earth so that soon the people had nothing
to eat that could keep them healthy and they
began to chew on bark, dried roots and even bug
skeletons.
But the worst of all the
plagues finally changed FairHo’s mind: every
first-born Egyptian was struck with death. The
king then called for Moses and ordered him to get
the heck out of Egypt with his friggin’
people, their cattle and their meager belongings,
on account that he couldn’t stand the curse
of Goddess anymore, She who, he admitted, had the
powers of a thousand devils, the likes of which
not even the most vicious of the Egyptian gods
could match, not the Cobra, nor the Scorpion, not
even the mighty Croc, who in comparison performed
like pussyfooty ladybugs.
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