The First
Podkaaak
by George Beckerman
Not many
people know this, but…the podcast was
created by a gentleman named Kaaak. Well,
“gentleman” might be a little generous.
Kaaak was a Cro-Magnon who lived 35,000 years ago
on the continent currently known as Europe.
And “kaaak” was the sound he made to
communicate with other Cro-Mags. Thus, his
name.
One day, our boy climbed to the top of the hill
above his village to warn the neighboring
community that a sabre-toothed tiger was headed
its way. He bellowed out the only word he
knew, which was of course, “kaaak!”
The Cro-Magnons that lived in the valley below
scampered to safety. Encouraged by that success,
Kaaak expanded from animal alerts to nature’s
bounty reports.
Cro-Mags, primarily ate fruits, berries, nuts,
seeds, and roots. From his perch atop the bluff,
Kaaak loudly grunted about which areas were
currently producing the best berries, nuts and
roots. And for meat-eaters who enjoyed a
nice center cut of mastodon, Kaaak included beast
tracking info. As his informational hilltop
squawks grew in popularity, Kaaak incorporated
guest experts from parts beyond. Thus, the
podkaaak was born.
And expanding fast. Fire-making tips.
How to create harpoons from reindeer antlers.
Best Komodo dragon egg recipes. And for the
kids, stories of talking animals that are cute
and funny, but never tear them to pieces. Kaaak’s
wife Yeeek also got into the act. She
taught and critiqued the art of cave-drawings.
The most listened-to were the debates about the
fate of Cro-Magnons who mysteriously disappeared
without a trace and those who were accused of
being responsible. The obvious incubation of the
murder-mystery craze.
The podkaaaks became so wildly successful that
Kaaak franchised. Ten hills and counting.
Villages thrived. Standards of living rose. The
creation of leisure time energized the population.
Some even said that Kaaak invented the dating
service. Throw a stone and hit a potential
mate.
It was going so well, that Kaaak and Yeeek were
able to purchase a vacation hill overlooking a
more exclusive valley. And Kaaak’s likeness
supplanted the woolly mammoth as the most popular
drawing on cave walls. He had amassed over
two hundred followers. Cro-Mags that
literally followed him around. And then…it
happened.
One of Kaaak’s sons was accused of trading
inferior quality rocks, cave-to-cave. A
stone mattress slab had collapsed, injuring a
family of sixteen. Kaaak had to turn over
his vacation hill to pay damages. His reputation
was in deep Pterodactyl shit. And then…it
REALLY happened.
A neighbor’s wife claimed that Kaaak had
rescued her from a Megaloceros. In Cro-Magnon
society, this was akin to adultery. Several other
wives came forward to testify that Kaaak saved
them from various carnivorous animals. And then…it
really, and this time it’s serious…happened.
Kaaak became the first lifeform ever to be
Kaaakcelled. Unfortunately, in Cro-Mag
society, Kaaakcellation not only meant “Go
away”, it signified that the wronged had the
right to dine on the wrongdoer. Cannibalism
was a popular punishment.
But fortunately for Kaaak pragmatic heads
prevailed. When they considered his social value
to the people, how Kaaak changed life for the
better, and how losing him would eliminate the
greatest visionary Cro-Magnon civilization has
ever had, they came to the conclusion that…you
can’t have your Kaaak and eat him too.
|
