Stranded in
Corona Tel Aviv
by Albert Russo
In the times of Matthew and
Salem (Mathusalem is for the birds), there was
supposed to be a miracle on account that of the 7
oil lamps of the menorah - it’s a candle
holder and has nothing to do with minors - only
one was lit and it lasted 8 days, so that the
other 6 lamps could also be lit in turn. Ok, you
don’t have to believe all of this, but that’s
the reason why the Jews celebrate. But what I
like about it is the food they eat, like latkes
(potato pancakes) and sufganiyot (jelly
donuts), which are both deep-fried in oil. Mmm
… lekker (‘delicious’ in
Afrikaans, I’ve already told you) ve
taïm meod (‘and sooo tasty’, in
Hebrew - no it’s not ‘meow’, pay
attention!).
Often Christmas and
Hanukkah fall around the same time, so that Jews
in America (mainly) celebrate the two holidays
and have double fun.
After another two cool
weeks in Israel, my uncle and I were preparing
our suitcases to fly back home, ie. Paris. The
following day, when, watching the English-speaking
Israeli channel i-24 News, we saw the words:
‘Alert, alert!’.
Because of a new and very
dangerous virus that was settling all over the
world and plaguing this country too, the
Authorities had suddenly decided to close the
borders as well as all the airports. Consequently,
nobody, locals and tourists alike, was allowed to
leave or enter the land, to protect the
population from what looked like a helluva pandemonic.
Unky Berky became as pale
as Feta cheese and his face looked all creased
like them old Egyptian papyri - yeah that’s
the plural of papyrus, and NOT of papy
which means ‘granpa’ in French!
“Wa … ba …
ba ..” stuttered my uncle.
I was going to sing ‘Baa
baa Black sheep, have you any wool’, but
then I told myself to shut the fook up, coz it
wasn’t appropriate.
“Da …da …
darling,” he managed to say, “what are
we going to do? We’re stuck in a foreign
country. We can’t stay in this hotel, the
package deal is over and it would cost much too
much.”
I was going to tell him to
stop being so stingy, but then something clicked
in my mind and I kept quiet for a few seconds,
then said: “Don’t they have airbags
lodgings here?”
“Ah, you mean air bnb!
I did’t think of that alternative. Oh
Zupeleh - listen how he twists my name Yddishwise
now! -, what would I do without my clever
Tootsileh?” - another stoopid monika
he gives me when I suggest something he likes.
Then, his eyes refocusing,
he added, “Let’s google on my i-Pad. To
keep expenses down, we’ll choose a little
studio with a kitchenette, so that we will be
able to cook home and avoid going to restaurants.”
Excerpt
5 from CORONA ZAPINETTE by Albert Russo
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