Queen Esther
by Albert Russo
King Xerxes was so obsessed
by hair that he wanted a woman’s hair to
remind him of the mane of a mare - that’s
the horse’s wife.
When D Day arrived, Esther
who could hardly breathe she was so tense, fell
on her knees in front of the king.
And before she could open
her mouth, he said, in a hoarse voice: “You
will be my wife and I shall name you queen of all
Persia.”
Esther couldn’t
believe her ears, they were buzzing like she had
entered a bee hive. The king had to pull her up.
Mordecai was so proud of
his young cousin that he didn’t stop crying
that whole night. He advised her never to reveal
that she was Jewish, on account that the
thousands of Heebies who had been chased
from Jerusalem many years back by the stinking,
god-awful but very powerful king of Babylon, Nabo
the Nerd - he must have had a huge schnozzle -,
were still considered no better than slaves.
The next evening, as he
left the splendid garden where he spent an hour
with Esther, Mordecai overheard two of the king’s
servants plotting against their master. They
planned to kill him the following day.
All shook up, Mordecai ran
back to the garden to inform his beautiful cousin
that something dreadful was about to happen.
Not wasting a minute,
Esther asked for an audience with the king. Yeah,
in them olden days even the wife of a monarch -
not the butterfly, nerd! - had to request the ladder’s
permission to see him. I don’t think Prince
Philip had to do the same whenever he wanted to
talk with Queen Lisbeth. That would be too riiii-di-culous
for words!
“My king,” she
said in a trembling voice, and tears in her eyes,
“You must protect yourself, for word has
come to me that two of your servants want to
assassinate you, and they will do it tomorrow if
you don’t take the necessary measures.”
And so, king Xerxes had the
two plotters impaled in the following hour. Wah
wee, do you know what that means? They insert a
long and pointed wooden pole into the mouth of
the criminal, piercing all the innards, before
coming out of his butt hole. Jeezette almighty,
it must be extra-crucifying, even worse
than what Jesus went through on his cross. I
suppose that they deserved it. By the way, today’s
Islamic terrorists oughta get the same treatment
on account that they murder innocents
indiscriminately. It’s too easy to just kill
them with a gun. They hardly suffer and their
families believe - what dinosaurish
idiots! hey, it rhymes with whorish - that, being
martyrs, they are joined down in hell by 72
virgin slaves.
“Ma belle,” the
king asked his wifey, thereafter, “who
warned you that my life was in such danger?”
“Mordecai, my Lord, he’s
one of your court officials,” Esther
answered, without telling him that he was her
elder cousin.
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