Mr and Mrs
Nnngff and the Time Travelling Confession Box
by Stuart
Johnson
I went for a
spin the other day in Father McCready's
confession box.
The catalyst
was our seventh pint of the black stuff down at
our local.We were indulging in our usual friendly
debate over the moral issue of the day, and on
this occasion the subject was marriage.
"
Marriage, " I said, " is outdated.
Marriage mostly was, is, and always will be
doomed to failure. "
"
Nonsense my son, " Father McCready replied.
" And what's more, I shall prove that it's
nonsense. Come back to the church with me and I'll
prove that marriage can work in any place, at any
time. "
I knew what he
was referring to here. It had been rumoured for
some time that Father McCready had mastered the
phenomena of time travel. Furthermore, it had
been said he'd overseen numerous famous marriage.
As we
staggered back to the church, he admitted the
upcoming exercise would kill two birds for him.
He told me he'd always wanted to conduct the very
first marriage ceremony in history,
chronologically.
We took our
seats in the confession box, and I watched in awe
as the dial span backwards through time....
"Five thousand years".... "Ten
thousand".... until it finally came to rest
at approximately 10,000BC.
We stepped
outside.
" Perfect!
" cried McCready, " Over there. "
He pointed towards a cave up ahead, standard
three-bedroom semi-detached with en-suite twigs
and a poorly laid driveway.
Stood at the
entrance in an aggressive stance were two figures.
Cro-Magnon, one male and one female. Neither of
whom seemed overly happy to see us.
" Hello,
" McCready called over to them, picking his
way across the uneven ground. A small rock flew
over his head.
" Nnngff,
" replied the male, which I think translated
as " Go away or I will kill you. "
I stopped at a
safe distance as the Priest approached undeterred.
" Hello,
my name is Father McCready, do-you-have-names?
" He asked slowly.
" Nnngff,
" said cavewoman.
" Nnngff,
" shouted caveman.
" Marvellous, well without further ado, I
shall perform the ceremony. " He removed a
pink carnation from his coat pocket and placed it
in the female's hair. As he strode back towards
me, the nonplussed female picked the flower from
her straggly hair, examined it.... and then ate
it.
" Mr
Nnngff, do you take Mrs Nnngff to be your lawful
wedded wife? "
" Nnngff!
"
" And Mrs
Nnngff... " we both dodged a wooden spear,
" ...do you take Mr Nnngff to be your lawful
wedded husband? "
" Nnngff.
"
" I now
pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the
bride! "
" Nnngff?
" The male looked confused.
" Oh...er...
" McCready pointed at his own pouting lips
and then at the female.
The male
grunted, picked up a rock and smashed it in his
newly-wed's face. The female screamed and
inspected the blood on her fingers. She then
picked up the rock and smashed it in the male's
tender regions.
" There
you go Father, " I said. " Proof that
marriage never works. They'll be filing for
divorce within the hour. "
"
Nonsense, " he replied as we watched the
male hopping about in agony, clutching his groin.
" Merely a mutual decision on their part not
to have children. Not only have you witnessed the
first ever marriage ceremony, but also the first
neolithic vasectomy. "
As the 'domestic'
descended into further violence, we decided to
beat a hasty retreat.
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