Letters &
Ripov
by Albert Russo
Having spent New Year's Eve
alone, Ripov resolved to lead a more sociable
life and contacted Pen Pal International. But let
it be stated here that Ripov was allergic to the
company of humans. (A hay-fever type allergy.)
Yet nothing restrained him from communicating
with people long-distance.
Thus he started writing
letters to the five corners of the globe. Since
he'd never done this before he couldn't possibly
realize at first how expensive such a venture
would become. It wasn't only the letter pads and
the envelopes, but the dozens of ball-point pens,
the ever-increasing postage fees and all the rest.
Soon Ripov was getting an
average of one hundred letters a week. He tried
as best he could to reduce the operating costs of
what had developed into a full-fledged business.
A business that profitted the paper industry, the
pen factories, the post office, the transit
authority, the shoe stores, etcetera, save Ripov,
of course.
Ripov now used aerograms
and postcards instead of the regular stationary
and the 3D viewcards. He changed his writing,
dwarfing it to a third of its original size so
that he could cram into the limited space as much
news as possible. His eyesight gradually
deteriorated and he had to order a pair of
expensive glasses.
He was receiving love notes,
threat notes, obscene cards, and even blank
letters. Ripov was amazed at, sometimes amused by,
the reactions of his pen pals. Some thought he'd
betrayed them by writing so 'illegibly,' what was
he taking them for, decipherers? Where were his
letter-writing manners gone? Others criticized
him for disrupting their private lives.
There were scenes of
jealousy, misunderstandings that degenerated into
crimes of passion. Still others, deceived by
Ripov's new code of ethics, switched to their
mother tongue, deeming that they could no longer
express their inner feelings in English
adequately enough.
In order to answer the
recalcitrant correspondents, Ripov had to take a
few crash courses in foreign languages. Then he
got blamed for using trite, hackneyed phrases to
purposely denigrate the other culture. One even
swore he’d discourage every soul around him
to learn what he now termed 'Pigenglish.' There
was also a fellow from Madagascar who warned
Ripov that he would stop writing to him unless
Ripov sent back International Reply Coupons. Plus
Snoopy and/or Peanuts letter pads cum appropriate
envelopes as a Christmas present for his
sweetheart.
Yes, an entire year had
slipped by since Ripov first got in touch with
Pen Pal International. What would he do to
celebrate the coming year? With the hundreds of
friends and foes he had now collected around the
world?
He couldn't think of
anything exciting to do, yet all the while he
brooded over it, he made paperballs of the heaps
of letters that filled his studio and began
arranging them into a giant Christmas tree. He
waited to hear the church bells announcing the
New Year and lit a bonfire.
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