How to Win at
Poker—Another Inappropriate Life Lesson for
Kids
by Bob Iozzia
There may come
a time in your life when you will have to quit
school to help your family pay its bills,
especially if one or more of your parents is
rotting in prison for one reason or fifty others.
Maybe your dad was busted in a presidential
assassination sting or your mom tried to sell a
“trip around the world” to a vice cop.
There’s not much legitimate work available
for pre-teens, but there are other ways to make
money, and none of it will have to be reported to
the tax Gestapo. I wouldn’t broadcast what
it is you’re doing—the less people who
know what you’re up to lessens the chances
of you going to prison and/or getting nuked in
the electric chair.
The following are my suggestions of how to win at
poker, which is the easiest way for you to earn
tax-free money. Full disclosure: this can be
dangerous and there is no guarantee you will not
get the seedy side of life’s equivalent of a
Sorry Ticket. Also, I’ve never tried any of
these tricks because I don’t gamble because
I don’t have to because I don’t need
extra money because I have a wife who supports me.
Sweet, right?
Good luck:
1. There are many ways to cheat, including hiding
a card or two for use during the next game. This
is the best way for a kid to cheat. You could
stash the card[s] under the table or in your
juice box tote. If you get caught, fake crying
and sob, “I’m just a kid. I didn’t
know cheating was wrong; rich people do it all
the time. Why are you making an example out of me?
Whaaa, whaaa, whaaa.”
2. DON’T BLUFF TOO MUCH. In poker, bluffing
means pretending your cards are good enough to
win and you bet a lot of money. Since you’re
just a kid and not as crafty and crooked as the
adults in the game—all of whom are cheating—you
will lose a lot of money. The good news is, if
you lose a lot of money, you will be welcomed
back to play again (and lose a lot of money).
3. STEAL ALL THE MONEY THAT’S ON THE TABLE.
You can only try this maneuver once. FYI, you
will probably not be able to take two steps
toward the door before the other players jump
your bones and throw you out of a window. The
good news is it’s a quicker way to get out
of the poker room than running down five flights
of stairs. The bad news is you’ve just been
thrown out of a five-story window, you don’t
have the money and you probably won’t be
invited back, even if you didn’t have to
spend the next six months in a full body cast.
Cheers!
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