Hedge Your Bets
by Doug Dawson
"Bless me
Father, it's been ... three years since my last
confession and these are my sins."
"Just a
minute, my son ... why so long?"
"I've
been very ... busy, Father."
"Too busy
to come to confession?"
"I've
been ... doing other things."
"Have you
been coming to Mass?"
"I try to
come regularly, but I can't seem to stick to a
schedule."
"When was
the last time you came to Mass?"
"About a
year ago."
"Sounds
like you've lost touch with your faith, my son.
Religion should be a big part of your life - don't
you want it to be?"
"Well, ah
... it is, actually. I go to church all the time."
"I don't
understand."
"Can I
tell you my sins first? I, ah ... really need to
feel like I'm forgiven. Then I'll explain."
"So, what
are your sins?"
"We'll
the main one's not coming to Mass and the other's
not coming to confession. The rest are all little
things - you know, impure thoughts, I envy my
neighbor's money, his house, his car, his job,
his wife ..."
"That's
enough, my son. Is that the worst of your sins?"
"It's a
good start, Father. If you get me going, we'll be
here all day, maybe all night and next day too.
You don't want that, do you?"
"You can
say twenty Our Fathers and twenty Hail Marys and
make a vow to God that you'll come to Mass
regularly ... and confession too. Is there
anything else?"
"I think
we're OK now."
"That's
good. Feeling better about yourself is a start,
but you must do more."
"Good bye
and God bless you, Father - and have a nice day."
"That
sounds like something I should say to you. I'm
supposed to end the confession, not you. Before
you leave, my son, could you tell me what's kept
you so busy you can't find time for your faith?"
"Well, I
do go to church, just not to Mass."
"Which
church have you been going to?"
"I've
been investigating other religions, other ideas."
The priest
said "Moonlighting, eh?" with a little
laugh. "What other faiths have you looked at?"
"All of
them!"
"How's
that?"
"Well, it
occurred to me one day that Jesus might want to
save me, all right, but suppose he can't do it
all by himself?"
"Come
again?"
"Well,
there are so many Gods - God of the Old Testament,
Jesus, there's Allah, the Buddha ..."
"Have you
considered they may be different names for the
same ..."
"Hear me
out, Father. There's Islam, Shinto, Hinduism, the
Tao, there's the Great Spirits the Native
Americans worshipped, there's ..."
"Now wait
a minute. Let's slow down and talk about this
..."
"And
there's the Church of Scientology, the Church of
Mormon, the ..."
"I
thought you were a Catholic, my son. That means
you believe, or at least used to believe in the
Church of Jesus Christ, as set forth in the
Gospels."
"I do,
Father, I do, I do ..."
"OK, then,
where do all the other religions come in? Why can't
you just practice your own faith, instead of
dabbling in all of them, like a jack of all
trades who's master of none?"
"Father,
I just don't think any one of them can cover me
completely."
"Eh?"
"It's
like ... insurance. You know, you got a policy on
your home, one for each automobile, a health plan,
life ..."
"Insurance?
You mean a blanket insurance policy that covers
everything? Jesus does exactly that - he's all
the insurance you need!"
"Sure,
sure ... but suppose Jesus isn't the only the God
out there?"
"How many
Gods do you think there are? If Jesus isn't
enough for you there's the Holy Trinity. It's
made of God the Father, his only begotten son
Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. Between the
three of them they've got you covered."
"Maybe
they only got a piece of me covered, but I want
full coverage."
"What the
hell do you think this is ... excuse me. If you
try to practice all religions you won't do
justice to any of them ... you'll be like a man
without a country. Jesus is more than enough to
save you, my boy."
"Please
don't patronize me, Father."
"Don't
patronize you? This is the confessional!"
"I know,
I know, but I'm in terrible trouble; suppose I
throw all my eggs in one basket, I go with Jesus
all the way and then he doesn't save me, after
all the trouble I've gone to, practicing His
religion and all, that's why I got to pay
attention to the other gods too. I got to think
of myself. You probably think everybody in the
world who's not Catholic is going to hell."
"Well, we
don't condemn others, but we believe Jesus is the
only way to heaven. Of course, religions like
Judaism don't see Jesus the way we do ..."
"Judaism!
That brings me to my latest religious pursuit."
"What?"
"That's
right. I'm going to be a Jew. They think I'm
converting but I'm just adding them to my bag of
tricks. I got to hedge my bets!"
"Sounds
like you're turning the great religions of the
world into you own betting parlor. You can't do
that."
"Sure, I
can! I'm going to get my white butt saved. I'll
be a Catholic, a Protestant, a Jew, a Moslem, a
...
"Why don't
you change your name to Shlomo el-Abdul O'Reilly
Santini Kioki - then you'll even sound like a man
who belongs to everything - and nothing."
"Very
funny. You don't sound like you're taking any of
this seriously, Father."
"Are you?"
"Seriously
enough to simultaneously belong to this church, a
synagogue, a Moslem mosque and every Protestant
denomination I could find in this city."
"Now I
see why it's taken you so long to get back to
this church."
"Now you
got it, Father. In fact, there's two more groups
I got to join, then I'll be fully covered, so to
speak. I'll be with almost every church there is.
I'm going to heaven, no two ways about it."
"You
think so?"
"I think
so. Well, that's all I got for you. Thanks,
Father - you've been great. Some men of the cloth
I've spoken to aren't so understanding."
"I try to
accommodate everyone who comes in here, everyone
who wants to be saved ... I don't know what else
to say, my son."
"Just say
I'm saved for now, Father. It's like I just paid
the premium on my insurance policy and now I'm
covered for a next couple of months. I won't make
it so long next time - I can't afford to let my
policy lapse."
"Have you
asked Aetna and Met Life if they can write you a
policy to save you?"
"Please,
no jokes, Father. This is serious business to me."
"I think
your soul is sick, my boy."
"I'll
make a deal with you, Father. If I come back, say,
once a month to Mass and confession ... every
three months at the outside, you forgive me and I'm
saved 'till next time, right?"
"You're
making a deal with God? I don't think he makes
deals. Either you follow His teaching and come to
His church, or ..."
"Remember
what I said, Father - I can't trust any one God
or else I'd be making a deal with just him to
save me. I'm making the deal with you and every
pastor, reverend, rabbi, ayatollah, medicine man
and shaman I meet in every place of worship I go.
You just do what you can for me and I move on as
fast as I can to the next one. Deal?"
"We don't
make deals here, son."
"I got to
go, Father - there's a new group meeting tonight.
Be seeing you."
"What
group?" asked the priest as the man left the
confessional.
The middle-aged
man darted out of the confessional, toward the
front door of the church. Before he could exit
the building, he was a bit shocked to hear the
voice of the priest shouting after him: "What
new group?"
"Jews for
Jesus," came the answer, as the priest
followed the man out into the night, followed by
"We got a deal, right?" as the man's
voice faded in the distance.
The man heard
nothing more as he hurried toward the bus stop.
As the bus pulled up, he took a step forward and
prepare to board it. He wasn't sure, but just as
he jumped on he thought he heard one word shouted
from a distance:
“Deal!”
Originally
published by Academy of the Heart and Mind in
November 2020
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