Dos and Don'ts
by Albert Russo
Once the golden calf was
burnt, Mo had the gold grounded up, dumped into
the river, then he forced them to drink the water.
They got so sick, they all threw up and filled
the whole place with diarrhea, both upstairs, out
of their noses and ears, and of course,
downstairs, as you can imagine. Phew, they soon
wallowed in a brown cloud of mega stink!
“That will serve you
right, miscreants, you’re no better than the
stinging red ants you hate so much.” Mo told
them, adding, “I have to go back and ask
Goddess to forgive you, bunch of shlemiels,
hoping She will be magnanimous and take you back.”
Mo did as he was told,
after which he descended the mountain with a new
pair of shining tablets. Not only did he come
down with the Ten Commandments, but Goddess had
given him a long list of Dos and Don’ts -
later on She added more than 600 of them -, as
well as a plan to build a tent-house in which the
Israelites could worship Her.
They spent many weeks of
hard work until the Sacred House got finally
erected with, in the middle of it, the Holy of
Hollies. Since only the grand priest could enter
there, no one knows if what he saw looked like
the Folies Bergères (the famous
Parisian show with naked broads). That’s
probably also where the Holy Cow and the Holy
Ghost came from, making the Holy Mary pregnant
with Jeeesus. Jeezette, did I tell you that I
couldn’t believe such nonsense?
I will never understand how
so many people, even them that have PhD’s,
pray the Virgin Mary whenever they feel
threatened, either in their job or their couple,
after their wifeys have discovered that they had
been spending ‘business’ evenings with
pretty secretaries.
After a string of
punishments and pardons meted by Goddess (stop it
already you critics, yeah I’m 12 and I know
some of the words Shake‘m Pears uses, it ain’t
my fault if your daughters talk like country
bumpkins?) - that’s how She liked to spend
her time with the people She chose, like they
were Her toys, similar to the blowup dolls grown-ups
buy nowadays for their setchual
shenanigans - the Israelites found themselves
living in a country they could call theirs.
They had some of the
greatest kings of the region, like David, Solomon
and much later on Herod, who was a real mamzer
- a cruel, double-faced monkey who also built the
biggest and most swifistickle Temple, to
replace the first one that had been destroyed
centuries before.
Talking of kings, did you
know that Queen Elisabeth claimed that she hailed
from the line of King David? Her name comes from
the Hebrew Elisheva. What’s strange
though is that most of them royal families in
Europe are proud of that biblical heritage, and
at the same time, they fought against the Jews
from the very beginning of Christendom.
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