Cousin Tuk in
Durban 1
by Albert Russo
Cousin Tuk came around 8.30,
along with an Indian friend of his. When my uncle
realized that it was his lover, his face took all
the colors of a kaleidoscope. I wanted to lol,
the scene was so funny, specially since I
cottoned to - what a ridiculous English expreshun
that is! - the two boys immediately, on account
that they were both good-looking, smelled
delicious and appeared to be so happy together.
They were also dressed very trendily, Tuk, a
little too risqué - I could see the bulge
downstairs, as well as his nipples sticking out
against his polo shirt. Well I never! (another
Brit expreshun - the phonier they sound,
the more I want to use them).
Though my uncle is a closet
homey - gay ain’t a word I find
appropriate in his case, coz my uncle doesn’t
look gay at all, on the contrary he is often sour-faced
-, and I don’t believe he’s done
anything in his whole life, meaning that it’s
all in his head and nothing where it’s
supposed to be; actually I think he’s afraid
of sex, which I believe he confuses with concrete
art, something we both dislike intensely.
What I don’t
understand with growl-ups, is why they kick up
such a fuss where setchual matters are
concerned. Like religion, sex oughta remain
private, and should be none of anybody’s
business, except of course, if you do pig stuff
with kids, then they, the growl-ups
deserve the heaviest punishement the law metes
out - yes yes, that’s a verb. Strangely
enough, my uncle, being a closet whatnot, is
ultra-conservative, as opposed to his darling lil
niece. For instance, he thinks drag-queens should
be locked up in nut-houses or at least join the
clowns in a circus - “They have tits like
airbags”, he says, not even with a smile,
“how gross, and they dare strut in public,
swinging their behinds like prostitutes!” He
also disapproves of Gay Pride parades, saying
that to see young guys, however handsome they are,
with bare buttocks and jock straps, exhibiting
themselves in front of all and sundry, is
disgusting, not to mention the transetchuals
who press their inflated bazooms like
they want to distribute milk to the onlookers.
And last with no leash, he doesn’t
believe gays should marry, even less, become
parents. By the way, and if you haven’t
understood it yet, I think his ideas are full
of cock and bull and belong to the Middle
Ages.
Oh I love how Tuk is so
outgoing and exuberant; when he wants to make a
point, which is every second sentence, he talks
with the high pitch of a castrato - you know,
them poor guys who had their balls cut off in
order to be able to sing like women - what a
custom that was, thank goddess it’s not
allowed nowadays. That is when my uncle wants to
disappear beneath the table.
From
the GOSH ZAPINETTE! series (15 episodes in all)
18/9//21 Excerpted from Zulu Zapy wins the
Rainbow Nation, by Albert Russo.
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