Abrrrrraaam
by Albert Russo
In Balihoo times, since
they didn’t have clocks or precise calendars,
one year seemed such a long time that some people
thought a hundred years had passed. They would
count the number of moons they lived through, but
most of the time, they couldn’t be bothered
and forgot about the real time.
Life went on, season after
season, and Job’s family and his descendants
stopped believing in their ancestor’s
Goddess. So it was that the now numerous tribe
who had settled in the city of Ur on the river
Euphrates were adoring many gods.
One night a man named Abram
was struck by a lightning, he suddenly froze and
thought for a split second that he would be
transformed into a piece of iceberg. Every fibre
of his body seemed conked out except for his ears.
He then heard a rasping voice whose echo made the
earth under his feet tremble, which spoke his
tongue.
“I’m your one and
only Goddess and from now on you shall stop
bowing before all those sinful goldoraky
impostors who pretend to rule the world. Leave
your family behind and this idolatrous country
and go with your wife to the new land I have
reserved for you. I will make of it a great
nation, for there, you will raise a new family,
multiply and prosper. On condition that you will
remember at all times that I, and only I am your creatress.”
The icicles that started to
melt over Abram’s body turned into sweat, on
account that he became terribly confused. His
wifey Sarai (pronounce it Saraeee) stood
shellshocked and completely bambiboozed,
like she had guzzled a whole casket of wine.
Upon hearing the news,
Abram’s old father got into a fit of rage
and forced the poor man to take him and his
nephew Lot along, with all their idols.
So it was that they all
trotted to a place called Haran - hey don’t
confuse this with the Arabic word haram,
which means forbidden. If you open your eyes,
nowadays every third grocery store in France is halal,
i.e., it doesn’t sell most of the Western
food forbidden by Islamic law. Mmm … do I
love all that forbidden food, like pork filet
mignon, smoked ham and suckling pig - yeah, I
said that before, but that’s how much I
relish all this stuff, hey my mouth is watering
already!
Now, Mr Abram was
recognized by the flock traveling with him as
their master, on account that he was a big and
imposing guy, with eyes which could throw darts
at anyone who would contradict him. So they
followed him, trudging through plains and deserts
under a scorching heat for days on end. They
became nomads and some of them got really mad -
crazy, not fulla rage, you simpletons -, though
… some of them did get both meshugah
and fuming, which is always a very dangerous
mixture, specially since in those days they didn’t
have sigh-kayak-trysts to lock them up.
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