Ways To Annoy
The Passenger Sitting Next To You On A Long
Distance Train Ride
by R.D. Ronstad
Tell him you’re
very pleasantly surprised that even when
you only pay coach fare, you apparently
still get all the bells and whistles.
Tell her you used to be able to identify
every type of locomotive engine, and the
year it was manufactured, merely by
listening to it idle, because once upon a
time you had an engine ear.
Ask him if he knows if the dining car
offers al fresco dining.
Tell her you always love riding trains
because a train is the only place no one
ever gives you a hard time for walking
around with “Pillowy” under
your arm.
Tell him you heard that the other
engineers refer to your engineer as
“Sidetrack Sally.”
Ask her if she’ll switch seats with
you periodically so you can keep your
butt aligned.
Nickname your conductor "AC,"
and call him/her this every time he/she
walks past.
Periodically take your train schedule out
of your pocket, methodically unfold it,
examine it closely, snort, and carefully
fold it and put it back into your pocket.
Occasionally and without warning break
into a chorus of “I’m
Singin’ in the Train” while
dancing up and down the aisle.
Lean over and, with a worried look on
your face, say, “You know, I think I
just heard a clackety-click. Do you
think I should tell someone?”
Tell her, “Too bad this isn’t a
bullet train, ‘cause I feel like
getting loaded.” |
|
