Maladies
or, sounds likes someone’s ill
by Dan Keeble
Rheumatism....Pain
brought about by gossiping
Arthritis....Cornish King unable to hold a sword
Diabetes....Welsh front runner
Diarrhoea....Another Welsh runner coming last
Gout....Cockney speak for Leave Now
Haemorrhoids.... Irritable Austin fan
Croup....Group cough
Earache....Tool for cleaning one’s ears
Eczema....Someone who was once your mum
Asthma....Someone who still has his
Herpes....Lady in toilet
Influenza....Virus caused by leaving door open
Mumps....Scrounges disease
Polio....Game on a horse for the disabled
Ringworm....A circus rash
Shingles....Roof tiler’s pain
Vertigo....Yorkshire for, ‘Are we there yet?’
Whooping cough....Cough caused by swallowing a
Polo Mint
Catarrh....‘Snot a guitar
Stye....Eye infection contracted from pigs
Alopecia....Bald man finding a few hairs
Gallstones....Stones that make you angry
Cataracts....Action taken by Middle Eastern
country
Ingrown toenail....Toenail grown on windowsill
Fatigue....Swollen igue
Impotence....Someone brought down to size after r’s
removed.
Leukaemia....Anaemia caught from one of the
apostles
Acne....Cockney leg joint problem found in East
London
Menopause....Man temporarily reverting to
childhood
Carbuncle....Boils caused by mother’s
brother over-indulging on bread and cakes
Migraine....Result of hoarding cereal crop
Coronavirus....Eye infection caused by looking at
sun during an eclipse
Obesity....Where Obe One lives
Parasites....Tourist spots in French capital
Psoriasis....Sister with conjunctivitis
Sinusitis....Pain inflicted by autograph hunters
Nausea....Italian bumping into a woman
Pneumonia....Latest addition to the pension queue
Warts....Cockney dancing disease
Genital warts....Dancing and prancing disease
Tinnitus....Metallic ringing in ears
Parkinson's disease....Compulsion to keep wanting
to interview people.
Ménière's disease....Born with more than
two ears
Ganglion....Degenerative French social disease
Coma....A posh pause
Tachycardia....Sticky heart
Diverticulitis....Swimmer suffering with a
nervous twitch
Threadworms....The result of shitting through the
eye of a needle
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