Joy to the Sane
by S.B. Julian
-- Good
Morning, Class! (bright voice) I'm Mary from
Mental Health Militia's Special Christmas Crisis
Centre, and your teacher Ms Shepherd has invited
me to talk to you about the stress we're under at
this time of year. I call it “the Curse of
Christmas”. We carry heavy burdens during
the Holiday Season. Right? (silence) You need to
get over the stigma of talking about it, Class.
Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of.
Christmas is all about depression, anxiety and
family conflict. (silence) So who wants to start?
How about the girl in the middle there? You look
sad.
-- I'm sad we're
missing English, it's my favourite class.
-- English?
-- Yeah, you
know, novels and poems and stuff. “Grammar
and Literacy” the English Head calls it.
-- Well that's
all fine but you need addiction-literacy, anxiety-literacy,
bullying-and-exclusion-literacy ... the things
that matter in life.
-- Oh. Could I
go to the loo please? (she leaves)
-- Who else
would like to contribute? How about you at the
back? Are you sitting apart because you feel
exluded?
-- No.
-- Denial is a
burden. You can safely unpack your misery here. (pause)
I'll give you the Christmas Crisis Line phone
number so you can call in later. Make a note of
this everyone: it's 01 - 888 -
-- Mary? (a
student raises her hand) I need to leave for an
appointment.
-- Really?
Where? What could be more important than mental
illness, and depression, anxiety, mood swings,
ADHD, addiction ...
-- 'scuse me
Mary, but I don't have those things.
-- Of course
you do. It's Christmas.
-- (another
student speaks) It's Christmas, so we must be
suicidal.
-- Suicide is
no joke, Class.
-- Actually I
wasn't depressed until you arrived. (class laughs)
-- Is it the
advertising? The commercialization? The burden on
the poor?
-- No, it's
you.
-- (another
student chimes in) I love Christmas.
-- You think you
do, but it's a well-known source of misery,
loneliness, unpaid bills, over-eating...
-- Actually,
for me it's the source of a decorated tree with a
beautiful smell and colourfully-wrapped presents
under it, and carol singing, and boxes of
chocolate and home-made eggnogg, and visits from
my grandparents who love me.
-- Let's
unpack what those things really mean.
For instance, when you say “carols” do
you mean music which foists colonialist
sentiments onto downtrodden races with other
traditions?
-- No.
-- Because we
all know that Christmas is merely a
colonialist construct imposed on indigenous
people who had never heard of it at the time of
settler contact. We at Christmas Crisis Hotline
help them deal with the trauma. There, you in the
front row, you look indigenous. At least I hope
you are, or that eagle feather and the First
Nations T-shirt you're wearing would be pretty
major cultural appropriations! (she laughs) So
... yes you are indigenous? And how is your
family coping with the trauma of Christmas?
-- Umm ...
-- It's okay,
you can speak, you're safe here. Have you got
siblings at home?
-- Yeah. Tons.
-- And parents?
-- Mom. And
sort of ... step-fathers.
-- And how
does Mom cope with the trauma of Christmas?
-- Beer. (laughter
from the class)
-- (Mary sighs)
Poor woman. Driven to it. What does she think
would help?
-- If the Food
Bank carried it. (laughter)
-- Now class,
let's not make fun of identifiable groups.
-- (student
raises hand) Mary: we're not laughing at
identifiable groups, we're laughing at you.
-- (flustered)
Well that's a bit ... (pause) I mean, thank you
for your honesty ... er ...
-- (another
student raises her hand) Mary: I collect eagle
feathers. They float to the ground at my
grandparents' farm. Wildlife is for everyone. Why
is liking eagle feathers cultural appropriation?
-- Umm ... Let's
stay on topic, okay? The “Holiday Season”.
Ask yourself what you need a holiday from. If it's
the “Festive Season”, ask yourself why
you don't feel festive.
-- (a student
raises his hand) I do feel festive.
-- No.
Actually, you're suffering from the stress
of pretending to like something which is
exhausting, expensive, lonely, trans-phobic and
competitive, when you have to buy presents for co-workers
you hate, (voice rises) and you can't find a
parking space, and it's freezing cold out and
dark at 4:30 and you lose your gloves and those
Salvation Army bells are driving you mad ... (pause)
(Class is
silent. A student rushes out, upset.)
-- Mary? (says
another) Sorry for your troubles.
-- Well, it's
not my troubles, it's society's. Now:
let's form a circle and take turns revealing how
Christmas triggers suicidal feelings. Put your
smartphones away please. (waits) Now: the boy on
my right, we'll start with you. What triggers
your negative feelings?
-- Putting my
smartphone away. (laughter from the class)
-- (Mary sighs)
And what part of Christmas makes you smartphone-dependent?
-- (girl
raises hand) Mary, I'll be major-triggered if I
don't find a new smartphone in the toe of my
stocking on Christmas morning. (other students
cheer in agreement)
-- Yeah, and
then she can like phone the Christmas Crisis Line
when her sister steals all the cashews out of
Santa's nut bowl. (laughter. Ms Shepherd calls
for order)
-- Well, there's
a thought: food inequity. It's an aspect of
worldwide injustice, and climate change only
increases it ...
-- (sarcastically)
And Christmas causes climate change.
-- Or what if
Christmas solved it? What'd'ya think
Mary? Like, what if we all drove flying Santa-sleighs
instead of vehicles that run on fossil fuels?
-- Yeah! What
if Amazon delivered parcels
that way? Way cool eh!
-- But if they
were pulled by reindeer that would be animal
exploitation.
-- Hey, Mary!
Can I read my poem? It has rhymes for the name of
each of the eight reindeer.
-- Not now
Dear, that sounds rather frivolous for the Least
Wonderful Time of the Year. Let's consider the
pathology behind gift-giving.
-- Mary, why
is your name Mary? It seems so old-fashioned.
-- Because I'm
named after, you know ... Mary.
-- Oh. That
must be traumatic if you hate the nativity season.
-- Mary, why
is it that every nativity scene shows Joseph
standing up? You never see him sitting on a bale
of hay or anything.
-- (another
student replies) Maybe he was a comedian. Like --
in “stand-up” -- get it? (laughter)
-- Yeah, yeah,
we get it. So is that why the best comics are
Jewish? According to my Dad they are, anyway.
-- Does that
mean he's racist? Hey Mary – her Dad's a
racist!
-- Settle down,
Class. What's your name, Dear?
-- Estuaria.
-- Ah. So you're
named for the place where rivers of mental
illness flows into seas polluted by toxic
Christmas expectations that mental health experts
have proven are ... but wait, where are you going,
Estuaria? (Estuaria hurries out) Class: if you
have trouble acknowledging repressed Christmas-misery
you can be tested for mental illness for free.
This is our prime misery-season, worse than
summer holidays, back-to-school week, Halloween
and Valentine's Day all rolled into one. This is
when you need to guard against expectations of
joy and examine cultural assumptions. The
Christmas Crisis Centre can put you in touch with
a therapist who ... (a man walks in, interrupting)
-- (the
teacher, Ms Shepherd speaks up) Oh! Here is our
principal: Mr. Barnes. Hello Mr. Barnes, we are
discussing the emotional pitfalls of Christmas
...
-- Ms Shepherd,
why is a stream of students from your class
turning up weeping in my office?
|
