Aged Marriage
Guidance
(More queasy
than PC)
by Dan Keeble
My newly
engaged nephew asked for the secret of a happy
marriage. My baby photographs were sepia, so I
felt I qualified to help. Here was my advice:
On the subject
of romance, it was simpler when I was young. If
she fancied a romantic evening, I would buy a
bottle of wine and a box of chocolates. However,
since publication of Fifty Shades of Grey, she
might expect you to call at the garage for a tow
rope and a roll of duct tape. During the height
of the Chippendales’ fame I decided to make
an effort. So one night I removed my thermal vest,
put on a bow tie, and rubbed baby oil into my
upper torso. Unfortunately, my thick grey chest
hair matted so much it resembled a squirrel that
had come in from the rain, clinging to me for
warmth. ‘You thought it made you look sexy?’
she choked. Her hysterical laughter carried on
until breakfast.
Now for the
biggie. If she asks you to comment on a dress she’s
wearing, never say, very nice, terrific, etc. She
will assume you are being sarcastic. Say nothing.
Instead, blow a kiss and sigh. She’ll read
that as something positive. Never inject humour
into this emotive scenario. Once your aunt asked
my opinion of her new figure-hugging dress. I
said, “Wow, that is the one.” Assuming
sarcasm she said, “But?” I responded
with, “Yes that does let you down.” The
sale of my CD collection just about covered the
bills from Thorntons and Interflora.
You will have
to stand guard outside changing rooms when she is
shopping. She doesn’t want you constantly
moaning - no more than you want to be there. An
adjacent occupied cubicle will have a curtain not
fully drawn, and to the side will be racks of
bras and knickers. As you gaze skywards studying
the Z beams holding up the roof, two amused girl
assistants will score your discomfort level
against other men observed that day. This is when
you can improve your wife’s shopping
experience. Call out to her, “Darling I’m
checking out the bras. Do you prefer the Sheer
Glossies or the Agent Provocateur? What did you
say your size was?” Not only will you be
leaving the store swiftly, but your good lady
will enjoy shopping alone in future.
Tell her you
love her every day, even after many years have
passed. Be sincere though. Softly kiss her neck,
and whisper into her ear, “Darling, I love
you.” If she does something similar after
ten years of marriage, surreptitiously remove her
wine bottle - she would have had her three
glasses for the evening. To guarantee a lasting
relationship, use those three little words women
often long to hear - ’ You’ve lost
weight.’
It is these
thoughtful touches and demonstrations of
affection that will ensure you enjoy a happy
marriage. Heaven only knows what your poor wife’s
experience of it will be though.
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